But before some reporter smells a scoop, or William Higgins' lawyers issue a cease and desist order, let me say these stories are surely no more true than the ones about Courtney having Kurt killed, or Elvis still walking the earth, or a jealous Marlon Brando sabotaging the brakes on James Dean's sports car. Most likely, poor, mysterious, dead, meaningless Morgan is just the perfect actor for porn's most mythological role. His example lets jaded porn insiders perpetuate the great snuff film myth and, at the same time, titillate themselves with its remote possibility, like parents telling their children ghost stories so scary they wind up sleeping with the lights on too. Ironically, of the many iconic figures from gay porn's history, Morgan, the boy deemed too ugly at the time to be a star, has wound up among the most legendary of them all.p.s. While most of you seem to be sweltering, Paris has been chilly and wet. Not that I'm complaining. I hate hot weather. Things are okay here, though the visa situation is very stressful. I'm suddenly in book promotion mode, what with two books just out in Spain (My Loose Thread, Guide) and God Jr. on its way out here in France. On Friday, the French film director Bruno Dumont and I are being interviewed together for the French magazine Chronicart, so I'm going to a screening of his new film that just won a top prize at the Cannes Film Festival. And I'm arranging my upcoming LA trip, and getting ready to start physically building the new theater piece 'Kindertotenlieder,' which goes into high gear in July. Oh, and I hesitate to even mention this, but someone just wrote to tell me that crazy Laura Albert has set up a new JT Leroy page on myspace, and she's still using the George Miles picture to represent JT. I mean, what the fucking hell?! What a loser. Oh, well. So that's my drift as of today. ** Bernard Welt, Wow, hello. It's awesome to see you here, my pal. Yeah, the 80s photos. I've got a couple of you in the pipe actually. Of course I know about your great concentration on dreaming. Hey, you want to guest curate a day on my blog about dreams? How about it? Well, it sure would be nice to see you. Come over to Paris and do some research here where dreams change the world. Love, Dennis ** Friendlier, Greetings, and thanks a lot. Yeah, it's very cool that Momus is doing that. When I was preparing to start making a blog and was looking around for role models, the blog of Momus was a big influence, and I'm its regular reader. Good luck with that project, and take care. ** Saa viccenzo, Your 'Bamboo Shark?' That might be the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me. ** Adjoun, Oh yeah, of course I went to the Holland Festival when I lived there. I think that's where I saw one of Robert Wilson's astonishing 'Civil Wars' pieces, and a Thomas Bernhard play, and lots of non-remembered things. I remember a piece by this one Dutch spectacle creator, part of which involved going on a boat tour of Amsterdam's canals with a blind tour guide. I don't think I know the 'Zero' artist group, or I'm blanking anyway. Were they a Dutch collective, or ...? ** David c, I'm happy to hear about your friend's successful UK visa in order to be partnered, though it does make me a sigh a little painfully too. But, fuck, at least someone's love conquered all. I like John Adams too, though I've never seen a production of Nixon in China. My favorite of his is actually an odd, older work from the 80s, I think, a collaboration he did with the choreographer Lucinda Childs called ... err, 'Artificial Light,' or something close to that. ** Josh feola, Good, I'm glad LA is working out. There a lot of amazing LA artists, but current shows ... let me check. I need to see what's going on in July when I'm traveling there anyway. ** Momo, Are those videos by you? It seemed so, but I wasn't sure. They're really good. My favorites for some reason are 'Birthday Party Interrupted' and 'Psychodrama.' If they are your videos, what's the deal? Do you show them off the web, like in galleries or anything? Thanks. ** Angela, Yeah, teenage kicks, what's going on with the Peck/Lewis Day? Are you still on that, or did it not work out, or ..? Obviously, no problem if it didn't, just curious. ** You, Thanks for the project. It's on the permanent page now. Your novel sounds quite, quite interesting. I was actually surprised to see the aroused Mickey Mouse sculpture since Disney has been known to threaten to sue anyone who even doodles one of their creations in an 'unfavorable' light. ** David ehrenstein, Thanks a lot for fulfilling my list wish. Of course I've only seen/heard maybe half of those works. My fave is 'Sweeney Todd,' no surprise, and then 'Sunday in the Park with George' as my second. On a trivial note, a brief boyfriend of mine, David Margolis, was one of the stars of the original Broadway production of 'Merrily We Roll Along,' and sings on the soundtrack album. ** T.pkendall, A Kathy Acker Day is a complete natural. Why I haven't already done one, I don't know. I'm on it. Thanks, man. ** Mark, Thanks again for Kristof Day. It was superb. ** Rigby101, I left you a comment about your bbc piece, which I liked a whole lot. ** Sypha_69, My understanding from reading the most recent biographical works on Rimbaud is that the current thinking about Rimbaud's death bed conversion is the logical one, to my mind: His sister was taking care of him as he was dying. She really wanted him to convert. He did it for her in gratitude. But there's no evidence that it's something he would have done out of newfound religious belief. I can see him going, Yeah, whatever. Going through the motions isn't a big deal if you think the whole thing is silly, obviously. ** Christopher michael stamm, I think your writing method sounds great, actually. That's kind of an ideal method, to my mind, so excellent that you're using that process. I've only been to Vancouver a couple of times, and have no tips, but it seemed quite a swell place, and, as you may know, there's quite a strong, active experimental writing scene there. ** Teenagekicks, Treacy's blog freaked me out, but it's important to know the truth, so I thank you. But wowie. ** Cautivos, Nice to see you back, cryptic or otherwise. I can't imagine you'll answer this question, but I'll venture it anyway: So why's your brother an idiot? ** C., Gosh, typewriters. There was something beautiful about using a typewriter, and that sound was lovely, but I sure don't miss Liquid Paper and correcting ribbons. Does anybody still use Liquid Paper? Does it even exist anymore? Wasn't there some famous artist or writer or rock star who was the heir to the Liquid Paper fortune? ** Joe mills, Whoo hoo on the near completion of your short film. Excellent news. Maybe it deserves its own blog Day if you have enough related stuff to share. What do you think? ** Don w, I wish you all the luck in the world on the intensive writing sojourn, not that you need it, maestro. ** Vomitingghosts, This place is crazy, no? I often imagine some fan of my books finding the blog and checking it out only to find people talking about Stephen Sondheim and the World Cup and giving each other emotional support and stuff. But then that unexpectedness, the kind of almost anything goes makeup of this blog is what's exciting to me. It just has its own strange momentum. Wait until you see the post tomorrow. I pity the hardcore fan of my books who finds my blog for the first time tomorrow. ** Morgan, Yeah, 'The Runaway Soul' is a very interesting novel. It got a bad rap when it came out because it had been this legendary decades in the making thing preceded a lot of ultimately detrimental hype. Brodkey's short fiction is quite strong. It's what made him such a big deal for a while. I'll be curious to hear your thoughts on 'RS.' ** Garrison, Isn't that just like the police. It's always 'high school kids.' That's their way of saying I ultimately don't care. The mindless, kneejerk scapegoating of teenagers as a way to not have to think about why or how something mysterious and negatve happened drives me crazy. ** Tigersare, As I said, yikes on the Treacy front. At the same time, it does just compound his 'genius' in theory. ** Sypha_69, I bow to your impressive expertise on Sotos, and would also advise picking up the Creation anthology 'Proxy' to newcomers. ** Postitbreakup, Well, part of the release or clarity involved in writing about something difficult and confusing comes with it having a public and an objective reaction, at least to my mind. I do firmly believe writing can resolve confusion and misery to some degree, but not necessarily if it goes no further than your own eyes. And on my end of things, keep in mind that I started planning the George Myles Cycle in my teens and didn't even start writing it until I was in my 30s, and spent ten years writing it. So it's a long process. Sad but true. It does work or at least help, though. Unfortunately, patience and diligence have to be a big part of it however. ** Jax, I was going to guess Cornell Woolrich like ronnie did. Is it him? Someday I highky recommend reading Rudy Wurlitzer's novels. It's not standard hardboiled detective stuff, but it's genre writing at the most sublime and terse yet hallucinatory. ** Okay, have a great one.
posted by Dennis Cooper at 11:27 PM
70 Comments:
Michael Nesmith, I think. The Liquid Paper heir.
ronnie, is there anything you *don't* know??:)
Thanks for the Wurlitzer name, Dennis - a new one on me (unless he's the jukebox heir or something!) but I like the sound of him and will see if I can track anything down. He did screenplays too, right?
I second an Edie day, btw
yup, mike nesmith's mother invented liquid paper, the story goes.
i'm intrigued about tomorrow's post...dennis's favorite recipies?
actually, that might be fun. i'm sure there's some good cooks here!
a local noodle house here sells this yummy creamy wasabe sauce...great with pasta and veggies!
a good meal IS art.
time for bed.
MK
Rudolph Wurlitzer's "Nog" may be the quintessential 60s novel, right there with Pynchon's "The Crying of Lot 49" and William J. Craddock's "Twilight Candelabra" (unless one's willing to include books which are really pretty bad but exemplars such as Mailer's "An American Dream.")
TG maintains that Pynchon est mort post "Gravity's Rainbow" and that since no one had seen him it was easy to substitute a ghostwriter for the soft hippie slush published as Pynchon product since.
Harold Brodkey's most famous story, of course, is an epic tale of trying to bring a girl to orgasm who's never cum and has been faking it with numerous lovers. This goes on for a long time but is in fact pretty interesting insofar as regards sexual sensation in general. Many of the other stories are about his mom.
Speaking of gay porn murder cases, Dennis, do you know if any progress was made on the re-opened Billy London murder investigation? There was news about it briefly last year. Have you heard any whispers?
Wow - "I started planning the George Myles Cycle in my teens and didn't even start writing it until I was in my 30s, and spent ten years writing it." - you've made my day!
This means that Auslander,the novel that been mostly in my head - with a few pieces actually written - for the last ten years may actually come to fruit. Especially now I've actually been to Berlin which was where I wanted to set part of it.
One of the things I love about this blog/community is that its so encouraging and inspirational about engaging in creative work. Lots of love, D.
Oh, that Adams/Childs collaboration would be Light over Water (1983?) - they've done lots of work since of course.
the morgan tale is pretty tragic.. whichever story or combination thereof is true.. to be told you're too ugly to do porn and then get chucked off a cliff.. damn.
dennis - again thankyou for the kind comments
david c - i couldn't agree more and am soo glad i finally got connected at home as i'd get strange stares at work when pictures of naked boys popped up on my screen.. of course their babe calenders and page 3 huddles were normal.
now i'm off to think up the next liquid paper type invention..
A kathy acker day would be fun. I just read the book "lust for life" about her work, and it was alright I guess! Some of it was better than others. It made me want a straight up biography, though. Maybe an Oral Biography, even.
Dennis
I missed all of you yest..was in berlin under a sunnt hot and football soundtrack..and the int cafes where not near...
Thanks so much for giving me your feed back on that subject cose I feek guilty I did not was ok for him that I coulsd not make him relate to life and recovery..
and over all..
that his last email was so like a curse or a maledicction sort of voddooo..gosh!
Rigby 101 thanks to you tooo...
do you both belive he could had still love me?
but he was hating him self so the ones who loved him where put away?
the woman writer sounds really cool and the porny story is haunting hot dark..
If my fligth goes ok..I am back later to nite and will say hello to all.
thanks David E..I will dive in that Nico Icon docu...
.....
by the way..C:
hand sexual and tipewriting...
mmmmm..
ok..
ok..
ok..
Dennis, I hope this round of visa madness works out as planned for you and Yuri. It all sounds so hellish. Thanks much for the 80s porn photos of that Morgan fellow and his tragic story. I can see that being an idea for a film or novel. I do hope he was actually annihilated on drugs before plunging to his death, as the fall would have probably been somewhat less horrifying (maybe?). Anyway, it's a frightening tale to grease one's imagination.
Oh, the mentioning of Rimbaud reminded me of these fantastic photos I saw at that Downtown exhibit at the Warhol Museum. They were these shots taken by David (crap, I can't remember how to spell his last name but it starts with a W); basically they're photos of a guy wearing a paper mask of Rimbaud posing in different downtown locations, taken in black and white. I just thought they were brilliant. They had the mask that was used on display as well. I just loved the idea of it as well as the outcome. Are you familiar with these photos?
I hated using typewriters during middle school and at times in high school. In seventh grade typing class, we actually learned typing on manual typewriters; this was 1987, what a cheap ass board of education that they couldn't even get electric typewriters. Well, my family moved to another town (more upper middle class) in my third marking period of seventh grade, and somehow I was allowed to take typing again. This school had electric typewriters so I ended up getting a 100 in the class. I felt like the ultimate secretary.
I have to backtrack, but is Edie day referring to Edie Sedgewick or to Little Edie from Grey Gardens? Speaking of Grey Gardens, I saw a float for the Grey Gardens musical hitting Broadway this fall at the Gay Pride parade in NYC this past Sunday. The woman playing Little Edie really resembles her. There were muscle men in bikinis wearing shirts on their heads like Little Edie, which I found to be odd but amusing. Where I was standing at that point of the parade, I felt like the only faggot cheering for the Grey Gardens float. I still managed to have a fun day.
Hope everyone is doing well.
robert
Rudy Wurlitzer scripted Monte Hellman's amazing Two Lane Blacktop, with James Taylor, Dennis Wilson, Warren Oates and Monte's girlfriend du jour Laurie Bird (who is now gone, alas.) If there was ever a movie that defined "Too Hip for the House" it was this one. "Esquire" did a pre-release piece hailing it as the next "Easy Rider." But it had more in common with Skolimowski's Le Depart than anything else.
Years ago I was in frequent semi-contact with Rudy Wurlitzer. To this day we have never met in person, but in New York in the 70's I spoke with him frequently on the phone as he was working with Jim McBride and Lorenzo Mans. I even spent the night in his apartment for reasons that I now forget.
"Nog" and "Flats" are marvelous.
wow, great story. too bad real life ain't nearly as melodramatic as a dennis cooper tale.
this is basically an old rumour, with some cooperesque fabrications tacked on for good measure. higgins himself set the record straight AGES ago, in an interview WIDELY AVAILABLE on the net:
T:Any classic behind-the-scenes moments?
WH:Well, there's the story about Morgan - "Best Little Warehouse in L.A." About six months after I shot him he died. So the police got it in their head that I murdered him in order not to pay him the $400 that was his fee to be in that movie. So there was a big murder investigation on that. Like many kids in that era he was really stoned all the time. He went up on Big Bear Mountain with his family and he told his father, "Stop the car, I'm going to take a piss." He opened the door and he stepped off the side of the mountain and was killed.
Anyway, he looked almost exactly like a kid who went missing in San Bernardino County. His brother was in a video store one day and he saw Morgan's picture on the video box and he said, "Well, this is my brother that went missing." So the next thing I know I was raided by the police. They had pictures of this kid who was missing and they had pictures of Morgan. And they said, "This is the kid who was missing, and you've murdered him." My lawyer came in - this was before the days of photoshop - and he was saying, "Well you know, they look exactly alike except look, there's a mole over this one's eye and there isn't a mole over the other one's eye." And the police looked at it and said, "Duh, really?" So they still thought it was the kid who went missing.
So it just so happened I had this secretary who was an old English queen named Sacha, and he kept up with all the models and gossip and everything. So when Morgan died there was a little clipping in the L.A Times that said this boy fell off a mountain and here's his name. And when it happened he said, "Look here, Morgan died." And I said, "That's really too bad. He fell off the mountain." So then the police went in and he had saved this little clipping where the kid fell off the mountain. And he had saved the copy of Morgan's driver's license that we had shot. And he said, "Well, he's dead and he fell off the mountain." So the police then go to the kid's father and they asked what happened. And he said, "Well, you know, the kid wanted to take a piss and he stepped out of the car and he fell off the mountain."
"Wasn't Mr. Higgins around? Didn't he push him maybe a little bit?"
And he said, "I never saw Higgins in my life and I was there. He fell off the mountain and he died."
So this went on for six weeks. And then the whole thing was dropped. Well, last year an investigator from San Bernardino County called Catalina looking for me. Of course as soon as I found out I immediately called. They said, "We found some bones in the desert of a guy who had been murdered and we think it's Morgan." This is 22 years later. I said, "It's NOT MORGAN! We've been through this before. Whoever you found is not Morgan! He's dead, he's in the ground, but he fell off the mountain." So they did the whole investigation all over again.
Another one of my models went down to Tijuana and he went to a restaurant and he ate some food and he got some food stuck in his throat. Nobody knew the Heimlich Maneuver. And so he fell down on the floor with this food stuck in his throat and they called an ambulance. By the time the ambulance was there he was dead. He was a very nice kid - I can't remember his name right now. So anyway, after he died the story went around that he had been killed on one of my film sets because I was trying to make him suck a horse dick that was so big it caused him to strangle to death. It's real funny until you hear this and there are a lot of people who believe this! But that sort of thing went on all the time. Not all the time - those are the two most horrific stories. You really remember the bad things!
Hey- Thanks Dennis
Everyone- If you don't own a copy of the trilogy, go buy one (alibris has some good deals)
Thanks,
Mark
All sorts of interesting people were in the original cast of Merrily We Roll Along including Jason Alexander, Geoffrey Horne (Jean Seberg's boytoy in Bonjour Tristesse) and the great Giancarlo Esposito.
David Margolis rings a bell but I'm not sure from where.
Scoring with anyone from a Sondheim musical makes you a "Stealth Show Queen" Dennis.
'Edie' refers to Edie Sedgwick and 'my' Edie - the transexual in the film. An Edie day would be great if I get my head around the technicalities - do you just scan pictures or is there a digital thing I would get from the filmakers cos I don't know to get stills from DVD. I can scan pics and text onto a disc.I could maybe have stills and some of the relevant script. I was going to say we could also have some fab Edie pics but what a blow for the film, The British Film Council (one of the funders) don't want us to use the pics in case someone sue's us in future. But I would have thought with the permission of the photographer and the executor - presumambly her husband (if we got them) who else would sue? My God it's only pictures in celebration, we're not libeling her or anything. It's that oh so British reticence and caution...they think post Factory Girl (film or her life) she might become hot property and just in case...Welcome to the film world!
I don't know - with the things you guys post here I'm sure you don't track down all the rights. is the net different ?
This might not be my most lucid entry here (only got 45 minutes of sleep last night), and I usually try to avoid bitching about personal problems on here (after all, that's what my Livejournal is for), buttt... I know some pretty odd people post on here so maybe they can relate to my following litany. I'm not interested in sympathy, so much as I'm just wondering if anyone else here has felt/feels this way:
Anyway, I've been very, very depressed recently. The main reason for my depression stems from my health, which has always been poor. For years I've suffered from both chronic acid reflux and IBS. To make matters worse, I have no pain threshold at all, and I'm an utter nut about my health, so much so that I even read medical encyclopedias (something I don't recommend anyone does anytime soon). Sometimes the pain is so bad I can't even sleep (this has been bothering me recently). Recently I've been having the old "acid in the throat" problem (which hasn't bothered me in years), along with stomach pains, toothaches, and an awful ache/straining feeling in between my shoulder and the back of my neck that always acts up when I try to rest my head back against something (which makes it difficult to fall asleep). I don't know how much of these pains are real, how much are due to my hyper-sensitivity, how much exist only in my mind as some kind of psychosomatic thing, or how much are brought upon by anxiety. One of my big fears is that my health problems will become so bad I won't be able to work anymore, like some World champion Scrabble player I read about in the book "Word Freak". This is the way my mind works: If I know I have to get up early for work the next day, I won't sleep a wink. Or, today I called in sick to work. But what happens if I sleep poorly again tonight? Then I'll have to call in again tomorrow. Naturally, this makes me worry even more. It's a vicious cycle.
I don't know, a few days ago I turned 26, and recently I've been examining my life and I'm just... bummed out. I'm still living with my parents, which, as you can imagine, is stifling. I'm trying to save up for an apartment, but they're so damn expensive these days. I guess I shouldn't be too bummed out about this, as it appears that many post-college adults are living with their parents these days due to high pricing costs (I have a co-worker who's 30 who still lives with his parents). I just wonder if I'll ever break free. I just can't... visualize it happening. I feel the same way about my job, working full-time at Barnes & Noble, a job I've held over two years now. But before that, I worked in a supermarket for seven years. That's nearly ten years of working retail, and I just can't take it anymore. I'm burned out. The problem is, I can't see myself working anywhere else, can't even think of another job I'd be good at. Fuck, I don't even think I have a resume. I'd love to just quit the place, but I know my parents would freak out if I did that, seeing as I still have student loans, still owe them money, don't have another job lined up, you get the idea. I guess what I'm trying to say is I find myself feeling trapped in this mundane, boring, banal anthill reality.
It would help if I had some kind of escape, but let's be honest... I don't do drugs, don't cut myself, even suicide isn't really an option because I'm terrified of death. I don't think I really want to die. I read on some suicide website that one usually only feels suicidal when one's threshold of pain becomes too much. That's how I feel now. Between living with my parents, anxiety over my job, tons of aches and pains, depression, and lack of sleep, I feel like I'm on the verge of some kind of nervous break down, which horrifies me as I'm such a control freak and the idea of not being in control of myself makes me feel ill. I can't even remeber the last time I felt healthy, or even the last time I was happy. I'm only 26 and I feel like my body is breaking down on me.
So, feelings of utter despair, hopelessness, bleak future, depression, the inescapability of modern life, the banal horror of existence in these times, small city angst. I don't know, I just wish I could run away from all this, escape everything, including my flawed body. I've never been good at embracing change though. Shit, I don't even know what I'm rambling about here. Just sick of falling asleep at 4 AM every night, geting 1-3 hours of sleep, worrying about my health, my job, everything. I don't know what to do. Does this sound familiar?
"I don't think I really want to die," means you don't want to die. Don't let being 26 and still living with your parents freak you out. Address your health problems scupulously and try not to let them freak you out.
This Too Shall Pass.
Who knos? True love and/or hot sex may be lurking nearby.
My best advice is to read "A Voice Through a Cloud" by Denton Welch.
We should hae a Denton Welch day in here.
Hi sypha_69
Sounds like there's a lot of things on your mind. And yes, I've been in the position where it seems like nothing is going right in my life. I've been lucky in that I bounce back quickly - lots of other people don't.
I'm usually loathe to give advice to people - and forgive me if you know about this already - but from what you describe it sounds like you'd could benefit from whats called cognitive behaviour therapy. It concentrates on negative toughts or the meanings we give events and conditions. The good thing is that it seems to work and it doesn't take months and months like some 'talking cures'.
Knowing people who've suffered from depression it is just horrible and such a waste. Definitely do something about it would be my suggestion including talking to other people about how you feel.
All the best
D.
peck/lewis day -- i'll try to get it to you tonight, or anyhow in the next couple days.
sypha69--
Man, everything you just wrote could have been put down here by me two years ago. I was living with my mom, working at a book store, despairing of ever being/doing anything. Pretty much everything you describe. I still have serious problems, so I don't know if I have anything helpful to say, beyond: I've sooooo been there, am still there in a way--depressed and anxious almost all the time, afraid of life and death almost equally sometimes.
Here's what I've been doing the past few days, since posting here about my problems: going outside to soak up the sun, eating good food (meaning either healthy stuff or sweets that make me happy), seeing friends and just forgetting about being productive and successful for a while in favor of doing things that simply make me happy for a minute or two.
Here's something I've learned over the past two years: it doesn't really end unless you make it end. For me that was moving far away and stopping drinking and living a penniless existence and eating candy bars for six months.
I wish I was more help.
Just catching up on the juggernaut that is this place.
Barcelona was much cleaner and safer than I'd read about. We got a cheap Ryanair flight that lands in a field about an hour out of town, but the bus was easy to catch, and stayed in a small hotel in the Barri Gotic, the old Roman part of town, with balconies overhanging cobblestones and streetlights dripping like candles. The sound of drunken singing replaced by church bells in the morning. That kind of thing. I imagined prostitutes and pickpockets but didn't see any. At one point I left my bag in a restaurant and when I went back to get it, it was waiting behind the counter. The staff asked if it was a bomb or money (?). I guess they thought I might be ETA or a pirate. It was just a two litre bottle of water. I totally underestimated how hot it was going to be, must have sweated more in a few days there than a year in London. It's pretty dusty and there's not much shade. We basically just walked around the old streets and along the beach and the port. Climbed the crazy Gaudi towers, La Sagrada Familia. That's something to see. Ate seafood and drank sangria. Tender Prey, I didn't read your tip until I got back, but thanks all the same. My tip, water and siestas. If you don't like the heat, it's probably best to go later in the year.
Eddie Beverage, I'd love to contribute to the joint project. I'll send you an email to get on the list. I think it would be great to combine visuals and text, both writers responding to images and artists responding to words.
Wow, SYpHA_69. I also don't think there's an easy answer to that kind of thing, so I don't want to sound flippant or go on about the human condition. I guess you have to figure out if you should seek professional help or not, but I'd only recommend medication as a last resort. Like others have been mentioning, I've had friends go through this stuff, or been through similar things myself, especially late-teens to early-twenties, and it gets better for some and it doesn't for others. I think that just being here shows you're probably one of the ones who'll pull through.
dennis- jesus! being thrown of a cliff is so fucking dramatic!!
who throws people off cliffs these days? NOBODY! i say MORE people need to be that fucking drastic about murder! why do people trivialize murder so much?? just POW and theyre dead!? what gives? i say murder should be EXTREMELY elaborate ala Sade OR OR OR ala James Bond movies, where a chinese prostitute flies a plane with a lit match over a bomb which detonates another bomb with leaves a gas in the air WHICH when mixed with another gas DESTROYS AN ENTIRE TOWN!!! anyways... being thrown off a cliff is almost as dramatic as that i suppose.. very roadrunner and yosamite sam..
pornolympic06- YOURE LIKE DAVID EHRENSTEIN!! except with PORN!!!!
amazing! im in love with you..
sypha- man.. that was some good writing.. depression.. what do i have to say about that? i guess im not that great of a help when it comes to really important things.. hmmm... anyways.. yeah.. sorry.
ummmmmm.. mmm.. mm.. i dunno what you should do.. i guess.. try your hardest to make something anything out of your predicament.. not necessarily an apartment or a better job.. more like.. an amazing piece of "something".. i dont know.. but if you think about it, it'll come to you..
YEAH!!
sypha: like you there is a thin screen between my body and my mind. when i get anxious my bodily health takes a serious turn. when i was 26 i had your kind of problem. massive anxiety, panic, not sleeping, body seeming to break down, especially in the plumbing. one thing i've learned is that it helps to try and sooth the body. i've become a beleiver in some sort of exercise. it helps me with the depression and anxiety and as far as i know, it actually functions to help regulate seratonin levels. ummm what else, i take calm forte, which you can find in any health food store, to help me sleep. or valerian will knock you right out. is there any coworker you could move in with? hope this helps. i've been there and am pulled back there too.
david e: great sondheim list. on of my earlies memories is my parents taking me to into the woods. and of course like most little boys one of my first crushes was bernadette peters.
ignacio, "nog" is interesting to me because it feels like reading a 60s novels. its energy makes me nostalgic in some way. and i wasn't even born then. it feels of an era. like marshall mcluhan.
dennis: i met clayton e because i was dating someone who knew him and we went for dinner at his house and it was seriously strange and uncomfortable. to him i was clearly a "nothing" dating this up and coming poet. his wife took me and the woman i was dating upstairs to look at the "puppetry of the penis" website. just weird.
i'm mired in reading beckett, which i have to finish by friday and then i start "the history of the novel" reading list. i'm sure it will be good for me. like spinach or a colostomy. kind of given up on the idea of writing this summer while i have all this reading to do. i too am impressed with the gm cylce time line. you knew you wanted to be a writer when you were a teenager? that's amazing. but i'm amazed by all the super creative teens i meet. especially those here. i knew i wanted to be a writer when was a kid but as a teenager the only thing i knew was horrifying isolation. i didn't start writing until my senior year in college.
mark: sorry i missed yesterday. killer job on the kristof. i have the trilogy on my book shelf. unfortunately it must wait.
Wow yourself. I think of you a lot, though we see each other about every ten years. You know, Jake Shears of Scissor Sisters wrote "Paul McCartney" for the new album from a dream, and I think I've told you his boyfriend's a pal of mine, so maybe I can interview him about it and post on a guest-edition on dreams for you, though it might be closer to their release date, late September in the US. Most of the stuff on art or film or lit at the dream conference is not good, the kind of thing you'd expect psychologists or counselors to be attracted to, but there's a really interesting film person at Edinburgh College of Art who did something on nightmares in the outsider art of mental patients killed by the Nazis that completely blew me away--Louise Milne. I did my presentation on The 5000 Fingers of Dr. T, the Dr. Seuss film--don't know if you know it. I'm obsessed with it. If you know it, you know Tommy rettig is the archetypal white boy of the 50s.
http://www.vifvf.com/archive/2005/freeb/drt.html
I'll make you a proposal about the guest-curating sometime.
Since you're doing your expatriate thing, did you hear about the high-school student in Oregon who got expelled over a short film he did for class called Brokeback High?
http://www.brandonflyte.com/
Sorry if you covered this in your blog, but it'll take me a while to catch up on back issues.
sypha- i thought about it and read some of the other peoples recommendations..
i think david ehrenstein REALLY got it on the dot when he mentioned hot sex..
i think maybe you need to indulge in MASSIVE amounts of sexing it up, IMMEDIATELY.. whenever i'm depressed usually a hot sexing clears up all my problems..
now.. this doesnt have to be really drastic
because maybe it could just be that youre not allowing yourself to be sexed up or something?
sometimes i forget about things like this for DAYS and days!!
so MY recommendation is fuck or get fucked
no talking bullshit or whatever the hell.. emotions really just mess shit up at this point..
casual sex is probably a better cure than whatever the fuck xanax is or whatever..
so yeah..
The 5000 Fingers of Dr. T is indeed amazing. Jonathan Rosenbaum has written about it fairly extensively in his books (eg."Moving Places")
It began in the trenches of WWII where Stanley Kramer, Carl Foreman and Dr. Seuss were all stationed together. They vowed that if they got out alive they would amke a lovely film for children. What they made instead was a nightmare -- every bit as scary as Invaders From Mars and in the same way. This is a key 50's paranoia film invoking (rather than merely evoking) fear of culture and by that extension "effeminacy" ie. gayness.
Dr. T (Hans Conreid) is, in effect, a child molester who molests children by forcing them to play the piano. Losts of oedipal drama as Mom is played by Mary Healy and Father-substitute (a plumber) is played by her real-life husband Peter Lind Hayes. (they were both big radio stars.)
Marvelous sets and great songs by Frederich Hollander -- whose career began when he wrote "Falling in Love Again" for Marlene Dietrich in The Blue Angel. Rettig's solo in this film "Now Just Because We're Kids" has become very popular with everyone from Jerry Lewis to jazz singers like Bob Dorough.
hey dennis,
Thanks for looking at my work, that was very nice of you. your books have been so important to me ever since i was about 15, that you actually seeing work i've done is exiting and kind of scary for me. thank you.
about your question: i've shown my work a few times in jerusalem, never in an official way. i'm still in art school (well, i have one year left, but i might just quit and stay in berlin), and in israel art students don't really show outside of schhol. i'm not that anxious to have people see my work, i still feel that i don't really know what i want. the only reason i put my stuff on the web is because i am interested in the new genres that these teens are creating and than turning over their heads. art that's created for teenagers and by teenagers, i want to be part of that. my boyfriend is an experimental film-maker who has had considerable sucsess in showing his work in the art scene in israel. witnessing that was a really good way to understand that it is not that interesting, the art scene in israel being this conservative, neputist, stupid and most importantly boring nest of nothing. all i want to do now is try to figure out how to work better and in a more systematic way, and to surround myself with talented, intelligent people, which i've allways done and being part of this blog is, of course, part of that.
i guess that's it.
anyone coming to berlin this month: don't miss the KW. theres a cool experimental-video exhibit by keren cytter, a brilliant and really nice young artist, and also a 'general idea' retrospective.
here's a sweet short for the gay bukkake fans out there. you know who you are:
http://gerrit3000.blogspot.com/2006/06/what-hell-is-this.html
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lost child - he could have still loved you in someway.. by staying away from you he may have been trying to sheild you from his horror side
i know i do that with people
sypha 69 - get your physical health in order.. that's the most important thing.. the mind will follow and then you'll see what you really want to do.. in my opinion anyone that can describe their situation as well as you have just done is wasted in retail.. and maybe the cognitive therapy is a good idea.. i wished i'd done it when i was in a mess.. i'd have saved a few years of selfhate possibly.. goodluck
gregoeryedwin - mired in beckett how so? he is fabulous
robert-nyc - david wojnarowicz?
gregoryedwin: yeah, reading "nog" by rudolph wurlitzer really sort of gets one high. the reader just becomes mildly out of phase with the surrounding neo-reality.
"slow fade" is another novel of his which has its charms.
i just watched andy warhol/paul morrissey's "heat" last night starring joe dallesandro which is probably the best of the trilogy including "trash" and "flesh" with joe as a hustler of one sort or another in all three. "heat" has a lot of nice turquoise swimming pool shots with suntanned skin.
rigby101: i'm reading for my comprehensive exams in the fall and beckett is my major figure. he is fabulous and the best thing about it is i finally feel free from him as an influence. i can see what i take from him and not feel like an imposter or pastiche artist or whatever. but yes, it's been great fun (of sorts) right now i'm reading descartes's meditations and they are so amazing. i think (one of) beckett's major ideas was thinking of philosophy as fiction. hence the unnamable, which is like a scifi meditations.
i see.. goodluck with it and i'll check out the descartes meditations..
anybody read wittgensteins 'remarks on colour'? jarmen raved about it at a film opening.. i've been looking in the cheap bookshops but it never comes up so i'm considering paying FULLPRICE!
i loved that warhol trilogy and even more gainsbourg's 'je t'aime moi non plus' (love you, i don't).. birkin plays johnny.. it sooo effected my first book
David C, I've never heard of cognitive therapy, I may have to check that out. I have done a lot of reading on Neuro-linguistic programming and Reichian therapy, but haven't really figured out how to apply it to my own life.
Antonio, re: sex, I'm kind of still a virgin. In fact, I've never even really been in a serious relationship with someone, or even ever made out with anyone. This is most likely due to the fact that I'm something of an introvert, and have no clear sexual identity. I guess I'd call myself bisexual, but I really don't know if I'm more interested in girls or guys, as there are aspects of both genders that appeal to me. I will say that, when I read off my problems, most of my other on-line friends tell me to get laid. But it's something that obviously makes me feel insecure.
Paul Curran, I used to try meditation years ago but I could never get the hanhg of it, probably due to my lack of willpower or impatience. I really should try to resume it one day. Having said that, I really don't get enough exercise.
gregoryedwin, yes, I find when my health is fine I'm happy, and when it's not my mental state quickly goes downhill. Unfortunetly, it seems for the last few years or so my health has always been bad. I can get the most minor health ailment and blow it all out of proportion.
Christopher, I'd love to move away, I just need to figure out where to.
As for medication, my general doctor gave me a prescription for Zantax years ago but I never used it... I'm one of those people who reads all the side-effects on medication. As a result, I pop very few pills, other than some medicine for my acid reflux.
Thanks for the advice, I appreciate it. I just wish it were one problem I could focus on rather than these multitude of problems. I'm often just too tired to deal with it all, and sometimes just feel scatter-brained. No one said life was easy though.
Yes Rigby101, you are correct. The David W. whose photos I previously mentioned is David Wojnarowicz. Thank you for refreshing my memory.
I must see this 5000 Fingers of Dr. T film that people are discussing. It sounds beyond worth watching.
Joe Mills, thank you for clearing up the Edie thing. I went back and read about your film; I'd like to see that as well.
As for further advice given to sypha69, perhaps therapy couldn't hurt, but some doctor visits may be in need to further resolve any confusion over physical vs. psychological. I had some odd anxiety-induced psychosomatic issues in the past, which I was prescribed Effexor for because these issues of anxiety were causing me to panic in many public situations and to start becoming agorophobic. I tried fighting these so-called symptoms for many years, but after 3 years of aggravation I gave in and tried the "meds" route. It worked for me and after 3 years of being on Effexor I asked to be taken off to see what happens. After two months, the symptoms returned, so I'm back on a much lower daily dosage of Effexor for now, but whatever, it's better than freaking out all over. It was slowly getting worse and worse again. Not fun. Also, I didn't move out of my parents' house until I was 27. I tried once when 24, but failed miserably at taking care of myself (too much partying) and went back to the safety of the parents' home only after three months in NYC. Since leaving at 27, I've been fine, but I can strongly identify with the aggravation of not being able to get out of the parents' house. If being there bothers you as much as you say it does, then eventually this will probably motivate you more and more to make changes in your life to find a solution to the problem. In time, everything can and hopefully will improve for you. At least you're not on drugs, cutting yourself, or intensely suicidal. That's a plus.
robert
i don't think there's anything wrong with or shameful about taking medication to help one survive. i say this as someone who has had to take a lot of different meds for quite a few years now.
life is hard. our own bodies cruelly betray us, and this is not unnatural, it is by design.
As far as meds are concerned: proceed with utmost caution. I was resistant to the idea of taking them for years, but things finally got so bad that I went to a doctor and told myself I would trust this guy who studied for years to prescribe medicine. So I did trust him and he put me on Lithium, which precipitated a seriously fucked up nervous breakdown--nothing I had experienced before Lithium was as bad as what this supposed palliative did to my head. So after that it was on to Klonopin, which might have been even worse--the only time I ever considered dying as a viable option. These pills are dangerous. I'm on a low dose of Lexapro now and happy with it, but it took two years to find it. Oh, and for when things are really really bad, I'd recommend having some Ativan on hand--total bliss but addictive so again, be careful. I take them with me everywhere (which has the added bonus of making me very popular at parties).
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Hey Dennis--Thanks for yesterday's post on Agota Kristoff, a true hero of sparse, effective language. The Book of Lies trilogy blew my mind when I read it several months ago. It was nice to see a tribute to her here, as her work actually came to my attention (in a roundabout way) through you. My boyfriend (earlier pictured here in the first blog art show; there's a Sears pic of him with his mother's hand up his gut) asked you to recommend a book to him at a signing in New York several years back, and you suggested Kristoff. He read her, loved her, and then passed her on to me. That's how the word travels. Thanks for the gift.
"Heat" was shot at the Tropican Motel in Weho -- the closest L.A. equivalent to the Chelsea in N.Y.
Its' gone now, replaced by a swank Motor Hotel.
The other primary location for "heat" was "The Castle" -- rented from James Dean's boyfriend, Jack Simmons.
Rainer Werner Fassbinder stayed there when he was in L.A., writing his verse play "The City, Garbage and Death," and turning down Roger Corman's offers to make a low-budget thriller for "New World Pictures."
David Ehrenstein and everybody--
Saw the mention for LAST OF SHEILA, the movie Sondheim and Anthony Perkins wrote. It's a fantastic mystery, one of the best I've ever seen. And it has a very nice, fairly recent DVD transfer from Warner Home Video. Fans of murder mysteries should make it mandatory. Stars James Mason, Dyan Cannon, James Coburn, Raquel Welch, Richard Benjamin, Joan Hackett and a young Ian ("Cocksucker!") McShane from Deadwood.
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EDIE (ultimate faghag) DAY i also promote an edie day. who wants to kill sienna miller btw?
hmmm SYPHA.. insecure sexual identities.. jesus..
what to do?
you've never been in a relationship...
you've never made out with someone.
also, after researching your blog (im a little detective) and trying to get to the bottom of your depression, i found that your most hated section of barnes & noble is the "sexuality" section.. interesting..
i hate it too, mainly because.. barnes & noble-sexuality is really.. "not the way".. i'll leave that at that..
but umm.. as for relationships and sex and stuff.. i mean.. insecurity with oneself is a really hard issue to umm.. come to terms with.. (im trying to figure out ways to say shit.. cause everything i say sounds like cliche and shit).. soo.. umm.. maybe you just NEED a relationship.. because.. that kind of isolation really sucks.. i think maybe youre isolating yourself or something.. or umm.. i dunno.. i mean.. i guess i used to be really depressed when i was really young.. and then i was just like "fuck this bullshit! im getting a boyfriend! and he's going to drive me places!"
so i did.. and umm.. shit was alot better.. i had a boyfriend who was smart, had a nice cock, a codependency problem, and a car.. life was good.. and when that was over with.. move onto the next one..
boys or girls.. it really doesnt matter.. anyways.. i STILL think a good relationship or ATLEAST sex clears up everything.. it always sort of amazes me how ALL my ambitious artfriends sort of forget about everything whenever they get into a relationship.. it's sort of like nothing else matters.. and suddenly theyre in paradise and galleries and shit really dont matter anymore when you have a trusty boyfriend who will always be waiting in the bedroom for you.. it's nice..
that happens to me sometimes.. i get into some relationship REALLY hardcore and then i stop making shit for weeks!! its HORRIBLE.. i think it's because art becomes less of a cathartic process, because i have a relationship to relieve whatever anxiety or paranoia i might have.. and sex is so creative too, although whenever i have it readily and i'm not making art, i still manage to discover so much crazy shit about myself via sex and boyfriends and stuff! it's INSANE!! so.. yeah..
i say.. nomatter what.. if you decide to go to a shrink.. or take some meds.. or start an art project.. or do WHATEVER.. you still need to get into it with someone..
Robert Nye thank you. I can’t wait to see the final film as well. With or without the pics.
CM Stamm I agree about Lithium – seems very hard to regulate the dose. My brother’s girlfriend,manic depressive, almost died overdosing. Carrie Fisher, also M-D had terrible problems with it. Sypha you should read her Postcards From The Edge, makes the horror of addiction and mental problems so funny. Read anything by her – the last book on the Lithium medication problems (and marriage to gay guy). All her book are life enhancing. Stephen Fry (the Wilde in Jude Law’s ‘Wilde’) is doing a program on depression and said they filmed her on a real low almost too bad to watch - and Fry himself is bipolar and sat in a car with exhaust coming in but couldn’t go through with it.
Practically Sypha:take some low-key medicine:forget all the millions of possible side-effect listed on the back of things like Zantax – that’s just to protect them legally. Trust yourself.
Also, I’m with Antonio: having someone to hold during the film or listening to the rain with is really helpful. Someone with your sweet vulnerable and honest personality would get loads of offers on a dating service. If you posted your posts here they would also know about the problems, which is half your fears I suspect. And you could join both male and female agencies!I’ve never done the dating agency thing bit I’m sure some other bloggers have ideas. Or you could also do an Antoine and say ‘Fuck it! I’m going to get a boyfriend and he’s going to drive me around!’
Anyway I looked into your blog and realised I’d read and loved it before and how your great bookstore stories chimed with my library experience. That you seems so different from this one –so this is probably only a short term low.
I’m sure all these posts are helpful to others on the blog with these sort of problems – though next week we’ll probably be listing our favourate chocolate bars.
Antonio – What an off-the wall outlook you have:. “who throws people off cliffs these days? NOBODY! “
I’d love to do an Edie Sedgwick blog as well as or better still in conjunction with ‘my’ Edie but about the picture/text rights? Then again there are loads of net sites. Am I getting as cowardly as the Brit Film Council? Am I asking too many questions ? Yes shut up and turn your full attention to Lost…
(Jack’s just lying half-naked on the bed and it’s getting too distracting)
antonio i really don't think sex for sex sake is the answer in this situation.. a relationship may be advantageous but if you're feeling in a hole the relationship is going to be lopsided/suffer
better to work out the problems and build yourself up before a relationship.. relationships are hard too remember.. the old cliche you have to love yourself before you can love anothert still works for me
rigby you sure have a point - I know when I feel like shit the last thing I want is to be around someone. But not being with someone in Syph's case may be part of the problem.
hmm, i dunno.. i think sypha might just not know who HE is.. like.. i dunno.. sypha do you know who you are?
maybe sex can clear up some identity things that he might be having trouble with.. i mean.. i might sound completely dismissive of a serious problem.. but its surprising how something as simple as sex can give a person an epiphany.. i mean.. i dont think sypha is going to go out and have sex with JUST ANYONE.. when i write here, i write with the preconception that everyone here is vaguely smart.. so if sypha wants to fuck some nobody, he can.. and if he wants to put some effort into making it into an emotive process, he can do that too.. anyways, whatever..
well if sex is the answer i recommend a hooker.. no ties.. just get it out the way
but if he is really 26 then by now he should be able to relate with parents.. if not friends.
i left home at 17 and squatted i don't know if that is a possibility
i still think the health thing is important.. sleep is important.. i've been an insomniac for 20 yrs or so.. nothing works for me.. when it gets bad the palahnuik 'copy of a copy' is sooo true.. i'm used to it now maybe he will be to
well, antonio, to be honest, I've never really felt like I have much of an identity. I mean, I suppose I do have some identifying characteristics (love of cats and animals in general, experimental music, and so forth), but in other ways, I feel a lot like, say, Patrick Bateman... someone who can blend in anywhere, no matter where they are (I once asked a friend what animal I reminded him of and he told me "a chameleon"). I've always felt kind of borderline... Um. The reason the "sexuality" section was my least favorite was because it would get the messiest, and it would attract a lot of old, dirty perverts. Having said that, I wasn't too impressed with much of the content either. So someone has sex 365 days a year, a different position every day... I give a fuck? Thank god I'm in charge of magazines now. It's funny, though, I have access to a lot of the porn magazines we sell now, but a lot of it just doesn't interest me (I've never been big on internet porn either). There was this magazine called, ahem, "Men", and I decided to flip through it but I found it repulsive. Just page after page of these gigantic, obscenely huge cocks, and I had to close it. Oddly enough, I have no problems reading about sex, but when I see the actual pictures, I get grossed out (ditto for violence).
Joe Mills, are you referring to my blogger journal? Because I don't post in that one all that much. I DO post in my LJ a lot, and over the years I've whined quite a bit on there (as any of my on-line friends will tell you).
But, anyway, yeah, sure, I'd love to be in a relationship, but I'm such a neurotic headcase I don't see too many people throwing themselves at my feet. It doesn't help that I come off as utterly cold and asexual... I probably make H.P. Lovecraft look like a porn star or something! :P
All you really know about Edie is that her favorite song was "Loads of Love" from "No Strings" -- the only musical for which Richard Rogers wrote both the music and the lyrics.
She used to get up on table tops in restaurants and go --
"I never have been handed much
I never have demanded much
I just want money,
a nice position
and loads of lovely love
I never have expected much
I never have rejected much
I want my dinner,
some conversation
and loads of lovely love
Some people go for quantity
Others go for quality
I've got the answer now
it's not how much but how
I do not ask for bliss I guess
it all boils down to this I guess
I just want money
and then some money
and loads --
loads of lovely love!"
i don't think it's that you don't know who you are but that you think maybe you could be anything but you don't want maybe you choose who you can be because that would mean choosing to be something and not something else
i understand sex helping someone find out but maybe it's not finding out as much as stopping to care to find out because sex can make you stop thinking about things and thinking about things to much can lead to depression not that people who think to much are depressed but people who think of all things like they think about sex don't get depressed
i mean i'm a handsexual but when i'm not depressed i see everything as sex a bit like when i read a book it feels like sex and when i watch something that blows my mind it feels like sex and when i'm happy it feels like sex and when i'm excited and sometimes i put music on and i'm someplace else and it feels like sex because sex is kind of being there and kind of being there so much that you're somplace else
and being depressed is not being there and not being anywhere so i see what antonio is talking about but maybe you don't even have to fuck anyone
maybe you could just pretend everything in the world is fucking and it will be basically the same thing
i don't know maybe i'm just interpreting everything you know wrong like i always do but it doesn't stop me from going in a way like if i did it wrong well i'll never know because there's no right or wrong just doing and not doing you know
sorry if i make too many you know comments i'll delete if it's too much it probably is ok
ok
c.
Don't delete!
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sometimes
we just spend way too much time
'on ourselves'
'me this me that me me me'
'this is how i feel'
it limits our thoughts
our world.. our possibilities
tightens the walls of the box
we don't need to know who we are
to get out of the box
just push the lid up and jump out
go volunteer
get involved in anything that is out of your comfort zone
but that you might have an interest in
read to kids at the library
tutor kids at school
cook dinner at the shelter
collect clothes for the homeless
help at the pet shelter
do walk-a-thons
you work at a bookstore?
plan programs or readings
take initiative
make yourself useful
stop thinking for awhile
expand your horizons
open your eyes to someone else's life
and forget yourself for awhile
and not every doctor will screw up your meds
doctors at times do know what to do to help you increase and maintain your health
don't worry about what you will 'do'
but keep your eyes open
doors and windows open all around us
all the time
stop thinking
start living
jaxzboi
who apologizes if his tone is harsh
and who thinks we sometimes think way too much about some things when silence of the mind and a bit activity would be far more helpful
david ehrenstein- Have you read that book by Jean Stein (why am i even asking that!? of COURSE you have!)
anyways, ITS TEERIFIC!!
edie inspired me to wear tights everywhere.. so I DO! i wear tshirts and tights EVERYWHERE!! black velvet ones! people think im insane.. but i dont care!
C- you remind me of this boyfriend i had.. he was really strange.. he sort of had the mindset of a really young kid.. NOT in that he was.. simple.. because he wasn't.. he was really complicated actually (what does that mean!?) anyways.. C you remind me of him.. because.. sex was sort of this unspoken thing with him.. like we never talked about it.. we just did it.. we never talked about other guys or anything.. we never talked about being gay.. he would just come into the bedroom get in bed and we'd have sex.. i think it might have been the best relationship i was ever in.. because everything was so unspoken and understood and we never fought or did anything dumb... now the only boys i can find want to go to gay clubs called "the quest" or "raveuntojoy!" .. and they all want to talk about sex ALL the time.. i really just want to marry someone completely vacant of ideas about everything.. i want everything to be new all the time.. anyways C.. you talk sort of like him about the world.. cause.. i'd always be in the kitchen and be like making something and he'd pop up and say shit like what if the world... were...... god?..... and like............ we could see god in everything?.... and there would be the scariest silence.. and i would just sort of be sitting on the floor or doing something and just staring at him while he sort of looked at the ceiling and pontificated about whatever it was... so strange.. man.. i miss that dude.. i think he might have been vaguely suicidal.. or he thought too much about crazy shit... anyways.. when we broke up, i heard he had to go to the emergency room.. he took things really seriously..
The best thing in the jean Stein book is Joel Schumacher's description of the vitamins + speed shots that Dr. Max Jacobson administered.
In fact that description is the only worthwhile thing Joel Schumacher has ever done.
why IS lou reed so pissed about the edie movie?
and they had to come up with a dylanesque character, he wouldn't give permission. i hate that shit, it ruins movies for me..."oh, it's sorta supposed be so-and-so"...like in sid and nancy, that rock star they went to see in that hotel...who the fuck was THAT supposed to be? iggy?
edie liked gin and tonic with triple limes...and that ending of the book was so cool, that guy in india, and the cigarette lit itself...ok, he was probably STONED out of his mind...but it was a nice touch!
sypha 69, I am looking forward to reading your blog -due that I also work at a bookstore -and they just approached me to write a blog on their website. When that happens I will let everyone know - but yes, I find retail fascinating. It's a really hard job, but in a way I feel like a soldier. Total war!
Also I think you should take things one at a time. I think all the suggestions are sound and good. Sex is good because one can lose themselves in another state of mind. Also learn to laugh at yourself. Because that really helps. And I am speaking about this due that I have bordering panic attacks, etc. Walking is a fantastic expercise and sort of frees the head.
But you know do what you have to do - but do it with a certain amount of lightness. And do see doctors (it sounds llke you do or did this already) - and stay away from medical books! They're scary and often just brings fear into the affair.
But yeah, I am going to read your blog. Bookstore work!
Joel Schumacher? Is he the worst filmmaker in modern times?
michael karo- maybe lou is angry because they got the NE PLUS ULTRA de banality to play edie in SIENNA MILLER-FAG-FACE.. but then again i suppose lou has become quite banal too.. i saw Kiera Knightly today on E! wearing a VERY "edie" do and makeup and stuff.. it must have been when she and sienna were campaigning for the role.. anyways, the edie movie looks like rubbish to me too.. next thing i know TEENVogue is going to have a spread of edie-look-alikes and then i'll have to stop wearing my black velvet tights!! BASTARDS!!!!!
goddamn the 60s. and culture in general..
anyways, edie-day has me VERY hyped!
i'm not going to google her or ANYTHING until it comes out!
anyways.. MAN.. i LOVE sid and nancy... i especially love Courtney Love-in-sid & nancy.. lookin all 17 and shit!
SYPHA- huge cocks can be bad and can be good.. thats really what you make of them i suppose.. and i wouldnt doubt the market for neurotic headcases! as dennis and many of us can testify.. jesus..
i mean, maybe you just need someone whom likes to be controlled a little or something, right? i like guys who i can control a little.. its strange.. but then i also like guys who control me.. i dunno which one! ?
anyways.. i dunno.. what do you like? like, what do you jerk off to? sorry for being so blunt.. but.. i mean.. everyone jerks off so whateeever! so i mean.. have you ever had a crush or anything? are you catholic by any chance?
i dunno.. anyways.. i'm going to continue pondering the problem of sypha, and if i have anymore conclusions i'm going to email them directly to you.
actually SYPHA! i just thought of this! maybe genius attracts you!! cause' IM totally attracted to genius!! and umm.... my taste in guys is really sort of imbalanced because of that! everyone thinks my taste is totally weird.. but what they dont really understand is that.. looks and shit dont matter alot to me (weeell....) but really to quote that Turkish singer lady in AMADEUS only genius interests a [guy] of taste... and then salieri has a heart attack..
anyways, THATS what you need!! a genius!! AND they're easier to find than you thinK! especially on the east coast!
Well, this is the last I'll say on the topic here, but, in regards to your questions, I do not consider myself to be religious. I was raised Catholic, but I stopped going to church years ago. I still haven't shaken it all off yet, however. I do consider myself to be spiritual in a vague way. At the very least, I have a huge interest in, for want of a better world, the occult. Whether my religious upbringing had any effect on my views of human sexuality, I cannot say.
I've only ever had a crush on one person, a girl in my advanced writing class during my last semester in college. Odd thing is, I had no sexual feelings for he at all. But she was a person I greatly respected. To this day, I wonder what ever became of her. I hope she got past her own depression.
What I jerk off too... well. I guess it depends on my mood. I like a lot of soft-core stuff, to be honest. Like say, in regards to women, topless models, especially big breasts, double-especially large-breasted Japanese j-idols (such as Yoko Matsugane). For men, I like shirtless shots, or maybe in their underwear, but I don't like out-and-out nudity all that much. I especially dislike penetration shots and hard core porn, which I find to be nasty, though I do like some of the porn that crops up on here.
antonio, well i don't really know anything about her, can't name a movie she's been in. there's one pic of her as edie, light blue dress, in front of a silvery factory wall..i thought it WAS edie. but yeah, they'll probably mess up the movie.
lou is playing here in the fall, but, hmm...there was a time i'd be very interested, but now...ho-hum.
Sypha, thanks so much for the Sotos info. He’s so out there. I’ll end up devouring more of his books. About the sadness and everything else you're going through. I'm not sure what to say that everyone else hasn't already but I totally identify with you and I'm kind of in awe with your candor. Honestly. I think that’s really a rare thing anywhere. Also, I like what C. said about trying to believe that everything in the world is fucking. If you believed everything had that kind of intense warm light emanating from it then I don’t know, things might get better. It’s a pretty idea anyway however or not plausible. What everyone here seems to be saying though is similar advice I’ve gotten from friends. Getting out there and staying occupied with people and things helps, even if you have to force yourself beyond everything. Thinking about yourself so much is dangerous sometimes. And yeah, it’s hard to get away from yourself but it’s also crucial to have some distance. But you know all this already. Anyway. It’s hard to write a prescription for the kind of sadness you’re feeling, of being trapped. So all I can offer, really, is my own paltry experience. I’m the kind of person who’s naturally inclined towards being alone and dealing with everything that comes that. My inner life always seemed (and still seems) more real than anything outside. There’s this section in Guide near the end in the club where Dennis says to this guy with barbells, hoops, and rings all over his face, “Look…I’m like you,” he says. “Only you put your scary decorations on your outsides, and I put scary decorations on my insides.” I don’t know how to articulate how I feel about myself any better than Dennis did in that sentence. Especially right now in my life. That’s probably one of the reasons why I’m here, writing on this blog. It seems necessary to me for whatever’s going on inside. Like I said, I’m kind of a closet mystical person. I believe there are inner transformations happening all the time that we’re unaware of. But you have to take action, too, to help those transformations along. Like I was saying, I’m naturally inclined to just shut up tight within myself and that’s it. So in the last year or so I forced myself to sort of fight myself, to fight what I feel comes easily. So I got my master’s in education and started teaching and although, yeah, I’m a kind of recluse, I think I’m pretty good at it. In front of kids everything changes for me. I didn’t know that person was inside me until I did it. Like a chameleon. Like you said. The chameleon is poetry, Sypha. And it’s a beautiful animal. “The purpose of poetry is to remind us how difficult it is to remain just one person.” A fixed identity is a sad thing, I think. Have fixed identities that are all true. No should be one person. And I’m sure the older people here, including Dennis, will back me up on the importance of change. You should never be done with your changes however they might manifest themselves in your life. I still don’t know if teaching is what I want to do with my life but it’s opened doors for me. It’s important to get up and throw your body into traffic and just do something for yourself. Anyway. Now that I’m reading this back it seems more like a pep talk for me. Sorry. But get well.
How weird Lou Reed should come up. I just realized yesterday I've been listening to a lot of him lately for some reason. I hadn't really noticed until I listened to "Venus in Furs" (the live one on "Animal Serenade" with the ear-blistering, wood-splintering, violin in the middle of the song) like ten times in a row. That's a hundred minutes if you're counting! That's not my favorite Lou Reed but it's beautiful. And yeah, Antonio, I agree with how banal he is now but listen to something like "Berlin" all the through. Fuck. My favorite Lou Reed is "Berlin" probably. Also "Street Hassle" is an amazing yet overlooked song.
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Also, I really love these "Greatest Moments in Gay Porn" for some reason. Last year I didn't know anything about gay porn and now...! Well. Great shit, Dennis, as always. I'm putting together a ghost day, so look for it sometime in week or so. Antonio, you'll blow your ectoplasm all over your computer screen, I promise. All over your bedroom ceiling and lamp and dresser. Like an exploding Stay Puft Marshmallow Man contained within your room. An orgasmic ectoplasmic big bang. Spectral planets will be born, alien races propagated...Okay it's really late obviously. Good night.
hmm sypha.. catholicism can really fuck some shit up though.. i was raised catholic.. i went to a catholic elementary school.. it was the worst.. i think theres an inherent rebellion present in catholic kids.. like.. we all grow up to be really insane, and sin is even MORE sinful or something.. which i suppose makes it all the more alluring and pleasurable..
hmm.. .. complex..
michael karo- i dunno.. maybe someone knows what they're doing.. i just hope they dont simplify edie into some sort of trendy-it-girl.. because she was.. but she was also more then that.. i just dont want the edie story to be like the devil wears prada.. ciao manhattan is a great edie biopic.. its so tragic to see.. edie flustering about at the bottom of the pool.. given shock treatment.. and basically dying in front of our eyes.. its like the ultimate entertainment.. edie traipsing up and down a brick wall while paul america sits in the red race car..
anyways, i hope someone on the set of Factory Girl saw that and took it to heart.
vomitingghosts- i think i want to get my teaching certificate too actually.. although im still a while away from even getting my bachelors.. anyways.. teaching seems like such a nice job.. you know? especially here where noone knows anything at all.. its so easy to be a college professor in a small town and get $100,000 a year for doing practically nothing.. none of my teachers do anything they just walk into the studio say 4 paintings due in three weeks, have a nice weekend and thats it! and they all have nicely renovated victorian houses and weird side projects like visiting italy to photograph gypsies (glenda! thats what karen graffeo is doing right now! isnt she insane!?).. i'm actually planning on suceeding the director of my schools art department..(glenda! ken proctologist proctor! i hate him i shall destroy him and take his job!) he doesnt know that im going to steal his job.. really all i want is enough money to buy TONS of vintage recording gear.. like.. a gibson super400 from 1962! or umm vintage western electric amps and tubes and shit.. that would be hot.. and also support my addiction to modifying wal-mart electric guitars.. and also maybe be able to make a 16mm film.. it's a simple lifestyle, one that teaching will suffice for..
ghost day is already making me go insane!!!! yes!!!!
also
for some reason lou's berlin makes me think of iggy's idiot.. maybe its because of bowie's 'berlin' period.. anyways.. both albums are harrowing and amazing..
Dennis,
I LURVE these posts, simultaneously poignant, compelling, absurd...e.g. do you know of a porn equivalent of the trashy true crime volume pedalled by hack journalists? They're one of my few concessions to no-brow culture. Just figuring, a non-Grodecki take on the 'seedy underbelly' of the porn industry, shitrag conspiracy trsh would get nobel prize in my own private universe...get Ken on the case...
Oh, I'm considering covering the two Jonathan Halper tracks from 'Puce Moment' - you know the songs I mean? Yeh, next up, I'm gonna record very quickly a set of personally significant cover version, one of which'll be, yup, Pleasant Street, I've been rehearsing it recently, so check.check.check. your doorstep on the Centre Du Recollets sometime next week, as I'm about to bombard you with music, if that's cool?
I'm having a midnight Kieslowski festival with a Polish guy tonight - he's straight, so it's not like a romance might prosper - a genuinely fascinating, refreshing, intellectually commanding guy, and in Crawley, that's like - whao, Messiah in the room, gangway, gangway... Do you have a stance on Kieslowski, Dennis? Me, I adore his work.
Oh, and how's about a Chris Marker day on't this 'ere blog? His work resonates so much with me I get annual pangs for Sans Soleil. I seem to recall you're an enthusiast, right/wrong?
I hope you dug/dig/are digging the song I mailed you, comrade,
I have a house viewing on thursday, so there's some possibility I may be getting the hell out of Cromwell Street fairly imminently...we'll see...
Take care,
Nick.x
(I think I might have posted this elsewehere...ugh...back to bed....)
lou reed... "sister ray" is my all-time favorite song. i started playing the electric violin because of john cale on "venus in furs" and "heroin."
and i angered my insane mother (she had a summer of shock treatments) by trying to play the piano like "I'm waiting for the man."
which strangely enough, or not so strangely, led me to classical piano music like prokofiev's "sonata #7" which at least when glenn gould played it was violent as hell.
i took piano lessons while working in a factory -- all those one hour versions of "waiting for the man" meant bela bartok made perfect sense. also a lot of messiaen.
that was like an eight year detour in my life of which nothing is left, no tapes of my solo recitals, no compositions, no ability to play the piano anymore (due to nerve damage in my left hand) -- but i don't regret a thing. sometimes when i sleep deeply i play the piano really hard and hear everything these huge compositions and i'm in the middle of a circular piano, or a piano that plays notes softly in water or plucks notes like a harp.
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